Category Archives: DOGE- Supernatural Division tales

DOGE- Supernatural Division (episode 3)

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! As promised, this episode is where High Wizard Elron goes on the road to Area 51 to ~~annoy~~ investigate their expenditures and maybe see something strange while there. As this location was a little more complicated to accomplish everything I wanted, it’s twice as long as the other installments, but it is my favorite so far. Keep in mind the opinions and actions of the characters are their own and do not reflect on me. This is written in good fun.

DOGE Supernatural Division (episode 3)

High Wizard Elron pulled up to the gate. Normally, he had one of his assistants drive, but this was his most ambitious task yet. He wouldn’t be taking any chances.

The guards stood alert, giving him intense looks as he flashed his badge. Elron had called ahead to let them know he’d be coming, but he only gave them two hours’ notice, so they wouldn’t have much time to hide their indiscretions. Usually, he didn’t give any warning, but the security at Area 51 required a bit more finesse. Who knew what kind of weaponry they might have to keep him out without official clearance? He wouldn’t rule out space lasers.

“I’m High Wizard Elron from the Department of Government Efficiency, Supernatural Division,” he said, handing over his paperwork. “I have authorization to visit here with my team for an inspection.”

The two guards didn’t appear impressed, but that was to be expected.

“I need to verify this,” one of them said in a gruff voice, walking away.

High Wizard Elron took a few sheets of paper from his assistant in the passenger seat and handed them to the remaining guard standing there, who looked like he should avoid spending too much time in the sun based on his red complexion. “All security personnel need to fill one of these out.”

“What is this?” he asked, frowning.

Elron gave him an imperious look. “Everyone needs to justify their positions here and why the taxpayers should continue funding your jobs.”

The guard gave him an incredulous look. “You’re kidding. Isn’t it obvious?”

The High Wizard was used to these reactions, but it didn’t bother him in the slightest. “No, I’m not. The number of people working security here is undoubtedly far more than necessary. If you wish to keep your position, I’d suggest listing how many trespassers you stop daily, whether or not you are regularly attacked, and anything else you do other than stand here harassing the president’s appointed men on official business.”

The guard’s face turned a brighter shade of red as he attempted to formulate a response. “You…What…?”

“He’s clear,” called the other guard from thirty feet away, oblivious to the conversation.

Hardening his jaw, he gave Elron instructions as the gate opened. A dark SUV was waiting on the other side to escort him to his destination. He followed it as they drove along a lonely road for some distance before finally coming to a cluster of plain, unassuming buildings where they parked.

A brunette woman in her mid-forties greeted them with a severe look, ordering her security personnel to surround them, and rushed his team inside the most prominent structure with barely a chance to take in their surroundings. The High Wizard was disappointed that he hadn’t spotted anything unusual during those hurried moments, but they would have moved anything out of sight they didn’t want him to see anyway.

There was a bizarre hum in the air. He’d never felt anything like it, and the disturbing sensation crawled across his skin. Where was it coming from? Taking a deep breath, he straightened his shoulders and reminded himself it was his job to investigate this place and whether they spent government funds correctly. Any uncomfortable oddities would not stop him. Based on his estimates—which were challenging to tabulate since much of the budget was disguised under various programs with innocuous names—it had to cost a fortune to run these facilities.

Elron looked at his assistant, Axe. “Start handing out the justification forms to anyone you see. Make certain you emphasize the importance of filling them out and returning them before we leave.”

“You can count on me, High Wizard,” he said, eager to comply. The twenty-year-old had just gotten his first taste of magic a few days ago, giving him a sample of what he could earn if he proved hardworking and loyal. He’d do anything for more.

Axe started with their escort—to the woman’s dismay as she looked over the paper—before hurrying toward other nearby employees.

She mumbled something under her breath before leading Elron and his people to a room full of desks, computers, and filing cabinets. This was a good start. He turned to his other three assistants and gave them a nod. “You know what to do. If anyone doesn’t comply, use the spell I taught you.”

They headed for the office employees with determined strides in their steps. As expected, they argued about letting his minions onto their highly classified systems. His people hit each one of them with a spell, and they sullenly obeyed after that.

The pinch-faced woman escorting him moved closer with a look of outrage on her face. “We agreed to allow access to our accounting—not this! You can’t just take over our office and download files.”

“I can’t do my job properly if I don’t see and review everything,” High Wizard Elron said, relishing this woman’s fury. The people in this place had been given too many years without proper supervision, and he aimed to change that.

For the next few hours, his assistants brought his attention to various red flags they found in the accounting. They painted a fascinating story based on his knowledge of space travel from his other endeavors. Elron also toured the rest of the building, noting every detail and asking questions. That part was mostly dull, and this was certainly not where they did any extraterrestrial work or experiments.

Finally, he’d seen enough that it was time to take the next step, and this would be his favorite part. “Take me to see your alien leader. I have questions for them, too.”

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DOGE- Supernatural Division (episode 2)

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I received a lot of positive responses here and on social media to the first DOGE story, so I decided I’d continue as long as interest remains. The plan is to try posting every Friday. At least for the moment, the installments will be stand-alone episodes to allow new readers to jump in at any point, but over time, they will likely begin to connect. Keep in mind these are meant to be fun, satirical stories that attempt to lighten the mood of the current political climate by adding some supernatural twists and exaggerations.

For anyone who missed the first episode, you can find it HERE. The newest one is below. Hope you enjoy and have a great weekend!

DOGE Supernatural Division (episode 2)

The young apprentice frowned as he scrolled down the screen, checking for suspicious expenditures. Did werewolves really need fancy grooming brushes? And why did they spend so much on sweatpants and T-shirts? The Capital Protection Pack had eighty-five members, so what were they doing with over two thousand sets of them purchased in the last six months?

Axe narrowed his eyes on the tough, blonde woman sitting beside him and pointed at the screen. “Explain these numbers to me.”

He couldn’t show a scrap of weakness in this place, or he might get eaten.

“Really?” The alpha’s golden eyes flashed menacingly. “We aren’t allowed to patrol the D.C. streets in wolf form, so we can’t change until we see trouble. Then there is no time to remove our clothes before we shift, meaning they get ripped to shreds.”

That point wasn’t going to work on Axe. “Okay, but I still don’t see the connection to all these clothes you expect the government to fund. You’re already given an allowance to purchase your own for work.”

He’d never seen them wear sweats. It was usually black cargo pants or slacks, though t-shirts or Polos were typical. They wore nothing too formal since they weren’t meant to stand out too much.

“Once the threat has been eliminated, we must change back to communicate with authorities, but we’re naked.” She pointed at his computer screen. “All those clothes are cached around the city for easy access and must be replaced as necessary. We use sweatpants and t-shirts because they can fit a wider variety of body types, depending on who needs them.”

Axe couldn’t argue that point, but there were still holes in her story. “If there are hundreds of caches, how does your pack know where to find them all?”

“We put pouches with rosemary and lemon balm near the clothes.”

He wrinkled his nose. “And you just sniff them out?”

“Yes.” She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder. “We can smell one of those pouches a half mile away as long as they’re replaced every few weeks.”

Well, that explained why their expenditures included thousands of dollars worth of herb purchases. He’d thought for sure he’d get them on that oddity. Axe still had so much to learn, but High Wizard Elron insisted he maintain a supreme air of confidence no matter what the situation. Since his boss was standing at the back of the room with his arms crossed, watching his team, he couldn’t let him down. DOGE- Supernatural Division had to do whatever it took to prove their worth and cut wasteful spending.

Sighing, Axe returned to scrolling down the screen.

One issue stood out more than any other. “Your wolfpack’s food expenses are exorbitant. I’m surprised no one has called you out for this before because seventy-five thousand dollars a month for meals while on duty is far beyond anything I’ve seen with other supernatural groups your size.”

She didn’t need to know he’d only been on the job for a week, as that would muddle the point, but it was unusual.

“Are you just a complete idiot?” she asked, letting out a low growl.

Axe froze in his chair. The alpha werewolf looked like she was ready to consume him for dinner. He’d been bitten by a dog once when he was a kid and never wanted to repeat the experience. With the Alpha’s teeth bared at him, he could have sworn they were bigger and sharper than a few minutes ago.

“Now, now, now.” High Wizard Elron headed toward them, wagging a finger. “We don’t eat DOGE agents.”

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DOGE- Supernatural Division (a fun satire story)

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I’ve been a little stressed by the news lately, so last night my husband cautioned me to avoid discussing politics online. Bwahaha! In light of that suggestion, I decided to write something that had been on my mind since it was first announced. How could I resist poking a little fun with a title like Department of Government Efficiency? Of course, I had to add some supernatural twists to put some space between the fictional story and the real world. Names and locations may have been altered as well.

No idea how this will go over, but if you all enjoy it, let me know. I’ll write more episodes in the future and post them here on my website for free. This is honestly just a stress relief for me.

DOGE Supernatural Division (episode 1)

“Department of Government Efficiency, Supernatural Division, who is calling, please?” Ruby asked, leaning back in her comfortable ergonomic chair.

A hushed male voice came over the line, “I have an anonymous tip.”

She leaned forward and began typing on the computer, starting a trace for the call. “Of course. Your privacy is especially important to us. Go ahead.”

“I discovered some discrepancies in the blood storage database where I work.” The caller’s voice dropped lower. “I think they’re taking allotments somewhere but claiming it was expired and destroyed. There’s been some questionable labeling lately.”

Ruby tapped her manicured nails on the desk, waiting for the computer program to finish locating the caller. “Why do you believe it wasn’t destroyed?”

“The night team was supposed to handle it, but they checked out two vans at ten pm and left together, according to outside camera footage. They didn’t return until an hour before dawn. When I arrived for the morning shift, all four cases of blood bags were gone, and the furnace was cold. No way they destroyed them.”

The program finished, revealing the caller was at a gas station in San Antonio. Ruby frowned. That city was one of the hubs for distributing vampire blood in Texas. The law was very clear that every ounce of it had to be accounted for and dispersed equally among vampires. Well, mostly equal, the older and richer ones “claimed” they needed more to subsist, but she had her doubts.

“Can I get the address to the warehouse?” she asked, though she already suspected the answer, it would help for him to confirm it.

“It’s in Dallas,” he said, rattling off the rest of the details.

Ruby inwardly cursed. She’d really hoped it was San Antonio, but this paranoid caller had gone out of his way to not be caught. No matter. They’d pull the gas station security cameras since they’d need this man as a witness whether he liked it or not. Good thing there was a specific elixir to provoke full cooperation.

“Very well.” She opened a new window on her computer and began typing. “The Department of Government Efficiency, Supernatural Division, appreciates your assistance on this matter. Remember to pay your taxes and have a wonderful evening.”

Then she braced herself for her next call to Wizard Elron in Dallas. Ruby sure hoped he didn’t bring up her lack of children again or her three cats. Why he thought it was his business, she didn’t know. He hadn’t said anything since she gifted him a hundred cans of kitty food last Christmas, though.

***

Three hours later…

High Wizard Elron strutted toward the building with his three young lackeys in lockstep behind him. His black silk cape billowed at his back, and as he came to a stop, he set his hands on his hips as he studied the large structure. He was ready to knock some heads together after learning of the audacity of this distribution warehouse for trying to skim blood for anything other than legal purposes. He’d get to the bottom of the matter.

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