I’ve been a little stressed by the news lately, so last night my husband cautioned me to avoid discussing politics online. Bwahaha! In light of that suggestion, I decided to write something that had been on my mind since it was first announced. How could I resist poking a little fun with a title like Department of Government Efficiency? Of course, I had to add some supernatural twists to put some space between the fictional story and the real world. Names and locations may have been altered as well.

No idea how this will go over, but if you all enjoy it, let me know. I’ll write more episodes in the future and post them here on my website for free. This is honestly just a stress relief for me.

---

DOGE Supernatural Division (episode 1)

“Department of Government Efficiency, Supernatural Division, who is calling, please?” Ruby asked, leaning back in her comfortable ergonomic chair.

A hushed male voice came over the line, “I have an anonymous tip.”

She leaned forward and began typing on the computer, starting a trace for the call. “Of course. Your privacy is especially important to us. Go ahead.”

“I discovered some discrepancies in the blood storage database where I work.”  The caller’s voice dropped lower. “I think they’re taking allotments somewhere but claiming it was expired and destroyed.  There’s been some questionable labeling lately.”

Ruby tapped her manicured nails on the desk, waiting for the computer program to finish locating the caller. “Why do you believe it wasn’t destroyed?”

“The night team was supposed to handle it, but they checked out two vans at ten pm and left together, according to outside camera footage. They didn’t return until an hour before dawn.  When I arrived for the morning shift, all four cases of blood bags were gone, and the furnace was cold.  No way they destroyed them.”

The program finished, revealing the caller was at a gas station in San Antonio. Ruby frowned. That city was one of the hubs for distributing vampire blood in Texas. The law was very clear that every ounce of it had to be accounted for and dispersed equally among vampires. Well, mostly equal, the older and richer ones “claimed” they needed more to subsist, but she had her doubts.

“Can I get the address to the warehouse?” she asked, though she already suspected the answer, it would help for him to confirm it.

“It’s in Dallas,” he said, rattling off the rest of the details.

Ruby inwardly cursed.  She’d really hoped it was San Antonio, but this paranoid caller had gone out of his way to not be caught.  No matter.  They’d pull the gas station security cameras since they’d need this man as a witness whether he liked it or not.  Good thing there was a specific elixir to provoke full cooperation.

“Very well.”  She opened a new window on her computer and began typing. “The Department of Government Efficiency, Supernatural Division, appreciates your assistance on this matter. Remember to pay your taxes and have a wonderful evening.”

Then she braced herself for her next call to Wizard Elron in Dallas. Ruby sure hoped he didn’t bring up her lack of children again or her three cats.  Why he thought it was his business, she didn’t know.  He hadn’t said anything since she gifted him a hundred cans of kitty food last Christmas, though.

***

Three hours later…

High Wizard Elron strutted toward the building with his three young lackeys in lockstep behind him. His black silk cape billowed at his back, and as he came to a stop, he set his hands on his hips as he studied the large structure.  He was ready to knock some heads together after learning of the audacity of this distribution warehouse for trying to skim blood for anything other than legal purposes.  He’d get to the bottom of the matter.

He lifted a palm into the air and gave a mental push.  The metal entrance door yanked off its hinges and flew away, landing on an aging black Honda nearby and smashing the roof. Ah well, it wasn’t an electric model, so he was doing those people a service by destroying it.

“Shouldn’t we have checked to see if it was unlocked first?” one of his lackeys—a junior in college—asked.  So young, but he’d learn with the proper guidance.

Elron chuckled. “It’s always better to make an entrance.”

He led the way inside, noting four vampires rushing toward the back where there was likely an exit.  Oh, no, they didn’t. He lifted his hand and grabbed them with his power, reeling them in like hooked fish.  Once they were close, he lifted them ten feet into the air to hang suspended with their legs dangling.

“Check the computers and refrigerator storage,” he ordered his team. “Make copies and take pictures of everything.”

“Of course, High Wizard,” they said in unison. It pleased him to see they were showing the proper respect he was due.

As for his suspects, they had a mixture of fear and hatred in their expressions. They’d change their tune soon enough.  Four little vampires were no match for a powerful magic user like him.

“We are representatives of the Department of Government Efficiency, Supernatural Division. We have reason to believe you stole four cases of blood from here last night,” he said in his scariest, most authoritative voice. It echoed menacingly throughout the warehouse to his satisfaction.  “If you cooperate and tell me the truth, I’ll go easy on you.  Maybe even include a severance package.”

The one on the far right sneered. “We ain’t tellin’ you nothing.”

“Oh, really?” He let that one drop to the cement floor.  The pop of a bone snapping cracked the air, followed by a howling scream.  Elron picked him back up again, noting the man’s right leg hung oddly.  “How about now?”

The pale vampire’s lips trembled, but he said nothing. The wizard ran his gaze across the other three. “Do the rest of you need encouragement?”

No one spoke. It was just as well since the easy talkers were boring.

He opened his arms wide, pulling them to opposite ends of the large warehouse. There were a shocking number of vampires in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, and they needed a lot of blood to keep them from snacking on the humans.

Clapping his hands, he smashed them into each other like dominoes. When no one spoke after the first collision, he did it several more times until all four were broken and bloody.  They looked like twisted dolls, though still breathing.  The paperwork would be tedious if he killed them.

The high wizard started to pull them apart again.

“Wait,” said the one on the left with blood running down his nose and a gash on his arm.

Elron lifted a brow. “Yes?”

“We took the crates to safe houses around the city.”

Safe houses?  He’d get to the bottom of this.

“What are these safe houses for?” he asked.

The man dropped his gaze. “Illegal vampires.”

Technically, those were beyond his jurisdiction, but he couldn’t resist a little fun.  It was always better to apologize later for one’s misdeeds than to muddle through red tape.

“Do tell me more,” he said, rubbing his hands together in glee. He was about to show ICE- Supernatural Division how it was done.