Tag Archives: Satire

DOGE- Supernatural Division (episode 6)

DOGE Supernatural Division (episode 6)

High Wizard Elron stared incredulously at his electric car manufacturing plant in California—or rather, what was left of it.  Nearly all the buildings had been leveled the day before, and what little remained would have to be torn down.  It was incomprehensible.

“Tell me again what happened,” he said to one of the managers who’d been on-site during the incident.

Jack, a middle-aged man with thinning brown hair, shook his head.  “They’re saying it was likely an EF-4 tornado based on the damage, but we won’t know for sure until the experts finish their investigation.”

“Right.”  Elron clenched his fists.  “Since when has California ever had an EF-4?”

The manager cleared his throat.  “Never, as far as I know.”

“Perhaps you should start from the beginning,” the wizard said, thinking something wasn’t right about this.

“It was the oddest thing.  The weather forecast called for sunny skies, but storm clouds started rolling toward us in the late afternoon.  Thunder and lightning got loud.  Then, some guys ran inside, saying a tornado was heading straight for us.  It moved really slowly, like it was crawling, so we were able to evacuate in time.  As soon as everyone was out and far enough away, it got bigger and stronger just as it reached the plant.  Then it stayed there for a few minutes, grinding down everything like a giant drill.”

Elron had spent enough time in tornado alley states to know that this was not traditional tornado behavior. They never “waited” for people to evacuate, and many people would have had to clear the numerous buildings for there to be no injuries or casualties.

He took a deep breath.  “What happened next?”

“The tornado lifted back into the clouds, and about five minutes later, the storm was gone.”

The High Wizard noted most of the employee cars in the parking lot had no damage and those that did only had broken windows.  “You said it took its time coming here.  What other places in the area were damaged?

“None.”  Jack shrugged.  “Heard that it didn’t fully touch the ground until right before it struck this place.”

Now, that was too peculiar.

“But it managed to destroy the whole plant after avoiding everything else?” he asked, incredulously.

“Well…” the manager hedged.  “There was one other odd thing.”

“Show me.”

Jack guided him around the piles of debris to another side of the ravaged facilities, and High Wizard Elron nearly stumbled as the “odd thing” came into view.  Half a dozen nearly finished electric cars were stacked vertically on their backends like dominoes.  They showed no signs of damage, and even their windows were intact.  Considering all the debris scattered around them, that didn’t seem possible.

This was no natural disaster, and his insurance company would not cover the damage should it prove magic-related. This was going to cost him a fortune.  Only one race of people he knew was powerful enough to pull this off and had the motive to do it.  There happened to be a community of them living not far away in Santa Cruz. He needed to get his team together and formulate a plan before he visited them.

***

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DOGE- Supernatural Division (episode 2)

I received a lot of positive responses here and on social media to the first DOGE story, so I decided I’d continue as long as interest remains. The plan is to try posting every Friday. At least for the moment, the installments will be stand-alone episodes to allow new readers to jump in at any point, but over time, they will likely begin to connect. Keep in mind these are meant to be fun, satirical stories that attempt to lighten the mood of the current political climate by adding some supernatural twists and exaggerations.

For anyone who missed the first episode, you can find it HERE. The newest one is below. Hope you enjoy and have a great weekend!


DOGE Supernatural Division (episode 2)

The young apprentice frowned as he scrolled down the screen, checking for suspicious expenditures.  Did werewolves really need fancy grooming brushes?  And why did they spend so much on sweatpants and T-shirts?  The Capital Protection Pack had eighty-five members, so what were they doing with over two thousand sets of them purchased in the last six months?

Axe narrowed his eyes on the tough, blonde woman sitting beside him and pointed at the screen.  “Explain these numbers to me.”

He couldn’t show a scrap of weakness in this place, or he might get eaten.

“Really?”  The alpha’s golden eyes flashed menacingly.  “We aren’t allowed to patrol the D.C. streets in wolf form, so we can’t change until we see trouble.  Then there is no time to remove our clothes before we shift, meaning they get ripped to shreds.”

That point wasn’t going to work on Axe.  “Okay, but I still don’t see the connection to all these clothes you expect the government to fund.  You’re already given an allowance to purchase your own for work.”

He’d never seen them wear sweats.  It was usually black cargo pants or slacks, though t-shirts or Polos were typical.  They wore nothing too formal since they weren’t meant to stand out too much.

“Once the threat has been eliminated, we must change back to communicate with authorities, but we’re naked.”  She pointed at his computer screen.  “All those clothes are cached around the city for easy access and must be replaced as necessary.  We use sweatpants and t-shirts because they can fit a wider variety of body types, depending on who needs them.”

Axe couldn’t argue that point, but there were still holes in her story.  “If there are hundreds of caches, how does your pack know where to find them all?”

“We put pouches with rosemary and lemon balm near the clothes.”

He wrinkled his nose.  “And you just sniff them out?”

“Yes.” She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder.  “We can smell one of those pouches a half mile away as long as they’re replaced every few weeks.”

Well, that explained why their expenditures included thousands of dollars worth of herb purchases.  He’d thought for sure he’d get them on that oddity.  Axe still had so much to learn, but High Wizard Elron insisted he maintain a supreme air of confidence no matter what the situation.  Since his boss was standing at the back of the room with his arms crossed, watching his team, he couldn’t let him down.  DOGE- Supernatural Division had to do whatever it took to prove their worth and cut wasteful spending.

Sighing, Axe returned to scrolling down the screen.

One issue stood out more than any other.  “Your wolfpack’s food expenses are exorbitant.  I’m surprised no one has called you out for this before because seventy-five thousand dollars a month for meals while on duty is far beyond anything I’ve seen with other supernatural groups your size.”

She didn’t need to know he’d only been on the job for a week, as that would muddle the point, but it was unusual.

“Are you just a complete idiot?” she asked, letting out a low growl.

Axe froze in his chair.  The alpha werewolf looked like she was ready to consume him for dinner.  He’d been bitten by a dog once when he was a kid and never wanted to repeat the experience.  With the Alpha’s teeth bared at him, he could have sworn they were bigger and sharper than a few minutes ago.

“Now, now, now.”  High Wizard Elron headed toward them, wagging a finger.  “We don’t eat DOGE agents.”

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