Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! As promised, this episode is where High Wizard Elron goes on the road to Area 51 to annoy investigate their expenditures and maybe see something strange while there. As this location was a little more complicated to accomplish everything I wanted, it’s twice as long as the other installments, but it is my favorite so far. Keep in mind the opinions and actions of the characters are their own and do not reflect on me. This is written in good fun.

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DOGE Supernatural Division (episode 3)

High Wizard Elron pulled up to the gate.  Normally, he had one of his assistants drive, but this was his most ambitious task yet.  He wouldn’t be taking any chances.

The guards stood alert, giving him intense looks as he flashed his badge.  Elron had called ahead to let them know he’d be coming, but he only gave them two hours’ notice, so they wouldn’t have much time to hide their indiscretions.  Usually, he didn’t give any warning, but the security at Area 51 required a bit more finesse.  Who knew what kind of weaponry they might have to keep him out without official clearance?  He wouldn’t rule out space lasers.

“I’m High Wizard Elron from the Department of Government Efficiency, Supernatural Division,” he said, handing over his paperwork.  “I have authorization to visit here with my team for an inspection.”

The two guards didn’t appear impressed, but that was to be expected.

“I need to verify this,” one of them said in a gruff voice, walking away.

High Wizard Elron took a few sheets of paper from his assistant in the passenger seat and handed them to the remaining guard standing there, who looked like he should avoid spending too much time in the sun based on his red complexion.  “All security personnel need to fill one of these out.”

“What is this?” he asked, frowning.

Elron gave him an imperious look.  “Everyone needs to justify their positions here and why the taxpayers should continue funding your jobs.”

The guard gave him an incredulous look.  “You’re kidding.  Isn’t it obvious?”

The High Wizard was used to these reactions, but it didn’t bother him in the slightest.  “No, I’m not.  The number of people working security here is undoubtedly far more than necessary.  If you wish to keep your position, I’d suggest listing how many trespassers you stop daily, whether or not you are regularly attacked, and anything else you do other than stand here harassing the president’s appointed men on official business.”

The guard’s face turned a brighter shade of red as he attempted to formulate a response.  “You…What…?”

“He’s clear,” called the other guard from thirty feet away, oblivious to the conversation.

Hardening his jaw, he gave Elron instructions as the gate opened.  A dark SUV was waiting on the other side to escort him to his destination.  He followed it as they drove along a lonely road for some distance before finally coming to a cluster of plain, unassuming buildings where they parked.

A brunette woman in her mid-forties greeted them with a severe look, ordering her security personnel to surround them, and rushed his team inside the most prominent structure with barely a chance to take in their surroundings.  The High Wizard was disappointed that he hadn’t spotted anything unusual during those hurried moments, but they would have moved anything out of sight they didn’t want him to see anyway.

There was a bizarre hum in the air.  He’d never felt anything like it, and the disturbing sensation crawled across his skin.  Where was it coming from?  Taking a deep breath, he straightened his shoulders and reminded himself it was his job to investigate this place and whether they spent government funds correctly.  Any uncomfortable oddities would not stop him.  Based on his estimates—which were challenging to tabulate since much of the budget was disguised under various programs with innocuous names—it had to cost a fortune to run these facilities.

Elron looked at his assistant, Axe.  “Start handing out the justification forms to anyone you see.  Make certain you emphasize the importance of filling them out and returning them before we leave.”

“You can count on me, High Wizard,” he said, eager to comply.  The twenty-year-old had just gotten his first taste of magic a few days ago, giving him a sample of what he could earn if he proved hardworking and loyal.  He’d do anything for more.

Axe started with their escort—to the woman’s dismay as she looked over the paper—before hurrying toward other nearby employees.

She mumbled something under her breath before leading Elron and his people to a room full of desks, computers, and filing cabinets.  This was a good start.  He turned to his other three assistants and gave them a nod.  “You know what to do.  If anyone doesn’t comply, use the spell I taught you.”

They headed for the office employees with determined strides in their steps.  As expected, they argued about letting his minions onto their highly classified systems.  His people hit each one of them with a spell, and they sullenly obeyed after that.

The pinch-faced woman escorting him moved closer with a look of outrage on her face.  “We agreed to allow access to our accounting—not this!  You can’t just take over our office and download files.”

“I can’t do my job properly if I don’t see and review everything,” High Wizard Elron said, relishing this woman’s fury.  The people in this place had been given too many years without proper supervision, and he aimed to change that.

For the next few hours, his assistants brought his attention to various red flags they found in the accounting.  They painted a fascinating story based on his knowledge of space travel from his other endeavors.  Elron also toured the rest of the building, noting every detail and asking questions.  That part was mostly dull, and this was certainly not where they did any extraterrestrial work or experiments.

Finally, he’d seen enough that it was time to take the next step, and this would be his favorite part.  “Take me to see your alien leader.  I have questions for them, too.”

It had taken quite a bit of digging and speaking with the right people, but he’d discovered a few things before coming here.  Area 51 was working on various projects with a race of hermaphrodite aliens, and as such, he couldn’t label any of them as he or she.  It figured Area 51 would go liberal with which space species to cooperate.  Couldn’t they have chosen a binary race instead? 

He was going to have a long talk with the president about this and see what could be done.  America needed to have standards about which aliens they allowed into the country.  No doubt, it was one more side effect in a long list related to the accursed DEI programs.

“They won’t want to speak with you,” his escort said stiffly.

Elron lifted a brow.  “They will unless you want me to cut all funding and shut this place down.  Don’t think I won’t.  All you need to do is look at some of the other agencies I’ve visited, and they weren’t hiding nearly as many secrets.  We both know how much the American public—the whole world, really—would love an inside look at the infamous Area 51.  If you have no security and the employees aren’t getting paid…”

She clenched her hands at her sides and glowered at him for a full minute.

“Fine.”  She spun on her heels and gave him her back.  “But don’t blame me if your reception isn’t welcoming.”

High Wizard Elron wasn’t scared.  He’d take on an alien just as quickly as a USAID staffer.  It was all the same to him if they were costing taxpayers with their errant spending.

He motioned for Axe and one other assistant to join him.  They returned outside, shielding their eyes from the bright sun, and headed toward one of the smaller buildings with a wide entrance door.  The woman guiding them blocked their view as she did something with the security panel.  A few moments later, they entered a plain foyer with three gray doors—one for each wall.  They went to the one on the right, which opened to a set of stairs going downward.

That strange buzzing sensation he’d felt since arriving grew more intense, lifting the hairs on Elron’s neck and arms.  A set of elevator doors appeared when they reached the bottom of the stairs.  They took that down multiple levels before coming to a small room with a glass wall at the end.  Beyond that was something he never thought he’d see—an actual extraterrestrial being.  He’d suspected aliens visited Earth, but this was the first time he had visual confirmation.  It was all he could do to hold himself together.

The only way he could describe the creature before him was to say they appeared similar to a large jellyfish with translucent blue-gray skin.  Except in this case, there was no water in there, and the being floated several feet in the air all on their own.  Their dark eyes bored into him with an intelligence that felt both ancient and timeless.

His assistants stopped behind him, gasping.  Elron shot them each a look that warned them to remain calm and collected.  They’d discussed the likelihood of meeting an alien today.  Under no circumstances were they to appear frightened or intimidated.

Their Area 51 escort made introductions, clearly not at ease with the circumstances.  She finished by saying, “I apologize for disturbing you, J’darbixelle, but High Wizard Elron of DOGE insisted.”

The being turned their enduring gaze back to him, and a small opening appeared below the eyes for what he assumed was a mouth.  “You presume much by coming to me.  I am no employee of your government, nor do I take funds from it.”

J’darbixelle’s voice filled the room and reverberated inside his head.

“But you do use facilities that are paid for by American tax dollars,” Elron said, refusing to be intimidated.  With the right magic spell, he could make his voice do that, too.  It was simple parlor tricks.

The hanging tentacles of the alien shifted slightly.  “We give far more in return than the little resources you provide us.  Your technology and space programs would not be nearly as advanced without our guidance.”

They were still in the Stone Age compared to a race that could travel across the galaxy.  He didn’t know precisely how this race had contributed, as those sorts of details weren’t on the computer systems accessed by his team, but he doubted they were truly significant.

“Perhaps you could enlighten me on what you’ve done to assist my government,” he said, crossing his arms.

J’darbixelle let out a wailing laugh that hurt his ears.  “You do not have the clearance for such information, and your president can’t use his executive orders on me, though it would be amusing to see him try.”

“I could shut down this base,” Elron threatened, taking a step forward.

The air turned cold, and a vise-like grip took hold of his entire body, keeping it so frozen he couldn’t breathe.  “DO NOT be so foolish.  Try such a thing, and I’ll interfere with your space travel endeavors.  None of your rockets will leave this planet again, much less a ship.”

How did they know about that?  He’d only just met them, and this job was separate from his other business adventures—as he kept explaining to those silly reporters always whining about conflicts of interest.  Had Earth’s extraterrestrial visitors been paying close attention to him without his knowledge?

Elron managed a scowl as the hold began easing enough for him to draw air into his lungs and think clearly again.  All this time, another race of beings had been active on their planet, and no one had informed him or invited him to collaborate despite his own interest in the matter.  It was galling.  He wondered if fellow wizard Beff Gezos had been allowed to communicate with them.  If so, he was hiding it a little too well.

“Perhaps we can work out a mutually beneficial deal,” Elron said, trying for a practical approach to ease the tension.  He wasn’t just a wizard for DOGE but also a businessman, after all.

J’darbixelle floated forward until they stopped inches from the glass.  “No.  I am done speaking to you and do not wish to see you again.”

He felt a strong urge to turn and leave, which he knew wasn’t natural.  This alien had strong magic of their own.  How dare they use it on him and in front of his assistants?  He was not one to suffer humiliation—at least, not unless it was calculated.

Elron gathered magic into himself, lifted his hand, and pushed his most powerful spell at the alien.  For a moment, their body jerked with electric shocks sparking across their jellyfish-like form, but in less than three seconds, the spell broke.

He gaped in shock.  No one had ever repelled his magic like that—and so quickly!

“You have gone too far,” J’darbixelle said in a cold, ominous voice.

An invisible force he had no time to counteract sent Elron flying backward to crash into the wall.  Stars filled his vision as he slumped to the floor.  He sucked in a few deep breaths and struggled to his feet.  The wizard’s mind raced as he tried to think of how to handle this powerful being when he was clearly disadvantaged.  Despite his preliminary preparations, this was not going nearly as well as his visits to other places.

He lifted his chin.  “Very well.  I apologize for intruding on you and offending you.”

J’darbixelle’s skin shimmered.  “Ah, there is some wisdom in your overconfident mind after all—if only a little.”

Was this alien being snarky?  Surely not.  Anyone with no assigned gender who looked like a giant talking jellyfish couldn’t possibly have a sense of humor.

“It is my job to assess the financial expenditures of this post.  Even for you, I cannot shirk my duties, but I will review the data and only come back if I find discrepancies I believe you could assist in explaining,” he paused, gauging the alien’s response.  “Would this be agreeable?”

Something like a sigh emitted from them.  “Very well.”

Elron nodded.  “Good.  The Department of Government Efficiency, Supernatural Division, appreciates your cooperation and wishes you a good day.”

This time, something that sounded similar to a snort came from J’darbixelle.  “Yes, it will be excellent once you’re gone.”

He ignored that comment.

The High Wizard gestured at his two assistants, whose faces were quite pale, and told them to follow him.  He was going to leave this disappointing meeting with his head held high.  Perhaps it hadn’t gone well, but nothing could have prepared him for an alien such as this.  He would pour through the data they collected today and find the weaknesses.  They’d return once they were armed with the information they needed to fully take on the forces at play here.  He would not be thwarted again.

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Thank you for reading. This installment may get a follow-up sometime in the future once High Wizard Elron has had time to review the data he gathered. In the meantime, there will be another story next Friday targeting another supernatural group. If anyone has suggestions for who they’d like to see Elron visit within the fantasy/supernatural/paranormal community, feel free to let me know in the comments, and I’ll consider it.