I’ve got a new DOGE story for you all today. This is a standalone and can be read even if you haven’t checked out the others. The supernatural of the week is gargoyles, and I have to admit that after writing this, I gained a soft spot for them. I might even write a novel featuring one of them someday, but for now, I enjoyed this fun adventure with them facing off against High Wizard Elron about how his budget cuts affected them.
DOGE Supernatural Division (episode 7)
Bang, bang.
Thunk, thunk, thunk.
The noises outside stirred High Wizard Elron from sleep. He climbed out of bed and crept to the window, taking a peek. In his yard, he saw a dozen large, hulking figures. The moonlight glinted off their hard, stone-gray bodies. They had large wings, high pointed ears, horns on their head, and sharp claws protruding from their fingers. Every one of them stared at his house with bright red, glowing eyes that would frighten the most hardened soul. Lying on the ground were his security personnel.
His home was being invaded by gargoyles, of all things.
High wizard Elron quickly pulled on a dark robe and cast a protection spell around himself before making his way to the front door. His intruders were immune to most offensive magic, but they wouldn’t be able to penetrate his personal barrier.
He stepped outside and put his hands on his hips. “Why are you trespassing on my property, and what did you do to my guards?”
“We only knocked them out because they shot their puny firearms at us. It was uncomfortable, like being stung by a bee would be for you.” The largest of the gargoyles strode forward and extended his hand. “I’m Leo, and I’m here to speak with you about your budget cuts.”
Elron wasn’t about to shake hands with a rock monster, especially one that appeared to be stained with nasty excrement of some sort. “What are those white splotches on you?”
Leo grimaced and his muzzle scrunched. “Pigeon poop. It is one of the reasons we came to speak with you.”
He ran his gaze over the others, noting most of them had the same affliction.
“What do I have to do with that?” the High Wizard asked, tired and annoyed that they’d woken him at almost two in the morning for this nonsense.
“You fired the groundskeepers who washed us and kept us clean.”
Ah, yes. He remembered trimming the budget for those services because it was clearly excessive and unnecessary. “The U.S. taxpayers should not be funding showers for supernatural creatures, especially ones who aren’t even alive most of the time.”
Insulted murmurs spread through the crowd. They could be offended all they wanted, but it was true. Gargoyles mostly sat there doing nothing—not even breathing. Why should they get special treatment while being lazy?
“It’s disgusting, unsanitary, and diminishes our dignity, forcing us to sit in the hot sun all day as birds poop on us,” he said, taking a step closer so Elron could properly see the awful level of excrement on him. “People sneer and laugh when they pass us, and we can do nothing except bear the injustice. Never mind the drunken fools who pee on any of us who have the misfortune to be posted near the ground.”
They woke him to complain about this? “Clearly, you can wash yourselves, or you wouldn’t have been able to come all the way to my home.”
Some of these gargoyles looked like ones he’d seen from various cities across the country. How did they all get here? He better not find out they used government funds for their travel.
Leo lifted his arm until it almost touched his chin. “We’re not very flexible. This is as far as my arm can go in my animated form. We cannot reach our heads, backs or wings where the worst of it lands. I can’t even scratch my nose.”
Did statues even itch?
“Then wait for the next rain and that should do the job for free.”
The gargoyle growled. “In the meantime, which could be days or weeks, we must sit in filth like this. How would you feel if it was you?”
“I’m human, so it’s not relevant. You can wash each other then,” Elron said with a shrug.
Leo’s large nostrils flared. “We can only take on our animated forms on the nights of full moons. What are we supposed to do for the rest of the month?”
Oh, right. They only had from midnight to sunrise once every four weeks that they could leave their stations and move freely. The only exception being if the structure they guarded came under attack, and then they could move to defend it. Too bad they had any time off or else he wouldn’t have been disturbed at such a late hour.
“It was costing thousands of dollars a year to wash you. For centuries, gargoyles lived just fine without being regularly cleaned, so you can certainly do it now,” Elron argued, tired of the many complaints he heard about petty issues like this.
A gargoyle in the back stepped forward. He was missing his left ear, part of a wing, and a few fingers on his right hand. “Your cuts to Medicare took away the coverage for our repairs.”
“You can’t just grow those parts back?” the High Wizard asked, though he hardly saw how it mattered anyway since he couldn’t imagine stone felt pain or needed to be intact to survive.
“No, we can’t regrow it,” Leo answered for him, shaking his head. “It requires specialized care through a witch doctor who does not come cheap. In the meantime, those missing pieces cause great discomfort.”
Elron lifted a brow. “Even when you’re an unmoving statue?”
“Less then, but it still hurts. We may not appear alive to you in that form, but we are cognizant and aware so that we may do our jobs,” he said, then gestured at several more of his people to come forward. “These are others who discovered they can no longer obtain the care they need.”
Each of them was missing parts of themselves, including one who moved on half of a left foot. He wracked his brain to figure out how in the world they were covered by Medicare. Then he remembered a special fund set aside for supernatural creatures. He hadn’t seen why the government should cover them when they should just take care of each other. If the witch doctor wanted to be stingy, that was not the High Wizard’s fault. By cutting their expensive care, and that of other creatures, he’d saved the government at least five million dollars.
“Pay for your own medical expenses,” Elron said, crossing his arms.
Leo’s eyes turned an even brighter red. “As the guardians of important structures, it is required you care for us properly, or else we are no longer obligated to do our jobs and will go on strike.”
The High Wizard laughed. “Go ahead, strike away. I’m going back to bed.”
He spun around and stepped back into his home, shutting the door behind him. His wards would keep the filthy statues out. He had a long day tomorrow with more budgets to cut and needed his sleep.
***
One week later…
Elron sighed when he came home after a long trip to find all dozen statues still littered his lawn. They’d returned to their solid states that dawn after they first arrived in the most ridiculous positions. Some even had their male organs showing protruding in obscene ways. It was highly embarrassing, so he’d called about having them removed while he was out of town. The two services he’d hired, one by one, called to inform him that it couldn’t be done.
Gargoyles who did not wish to be moved were impossible to lift, even with heavy machinery. A few had fresh damage to their bodies from the attempts, but that was all.
“Go home,” he shouted at their still forms. Of course, none of them responded.
***
Two weeks later…
High Wizard Elron was convinced that gargoyles naturally attracted birds and gave them diarrhea. There was so much poop on them that it was really becoming an eyesore. It wasn’t as if he could miss any of it with how they’d turned his yard into a maze, forcing him to wind his way through them to his front door.
He was so tired of looking at their ugly features, but not enough to give into their demands. They would simply have to return to their homes on the next full moon.
***
Next full moon…
It was midnight when Elron stepped outside. Leo waited on the sidewalk with his arms crossed and an expectant look on his face. At least, that was how the High Wizard interpreted it since he wasn’t good at reading gargoyle features.
“Well, are you ready to give into our demands?” he asked.
Elron lifted an imperious brow. “Of course not. Go back to your duties and leave me alone.”
“We will not depart until you have restored our services—cleaning and health.”
The High Wizard shook his head. “No. Your kind got along just fine without those before modern times, and you can resume enduring life as it was before.”
“Men used to live in caves, hunt for their food with spears, and did not know the meaning of cars or electricity. Now you know those things and prefer not to go back to the way things were before. We are the same,” Leo argued.
Begrudgingly, Elron had to admit he had a point. “Very well, we will pay you each bonus pay every time you successfully defend the structure you protect. You can use those funds to pay for cleaning and witch doctors.”
The head gargoyle clenched his fists until part of his finger broke off, landing on the sidewalk and rolling onto the grass. Surprisingly, pain filled the male’s red eyes. “You know we are rarely called to service. It could be years before we’d earn that pay.”
“Which is why I have no interest in wasting the taxpayers’ money on your upkeep.”
When all the gargoyles began angrily marching toward him, he hurried inside and shut the door. They hit his home’s protection barriers, but they could not breach them. Elron headed for his bedroom to get some much needed sleep, except it didn’t happen. As it turned out, they could scream and growl rather loudly and did so all night until dawn arrived.
When he stepped outside the next morning, he found half of them had frozen in place before his front door, completely blocking it. He had no choice except to exit from the back. The rest were stationed along his sidewalk, posing in obscene ways once again. He was never going to hear the end of it from his neighbors.
***
Four weeks later…
High Wizard Elron had tried everything to get the statues off his lawn. Despite many ancient magical tomes at his fingertips, not one had a spell that could rid oneself of a gargoyle. The few he found that were even close required the statue’s cooperation.
To make matters worse, they had even more bird poop on them so that they were nearly covered head to toe with it now. Some kids had also come a week ago, peed and tossed toilet paper rolls all over them. His neighbors were beginning to complain loudly. Not that they’d come near his home, but they’d flagged down his car when he was coming and going.
The statues were so disgusting he couldn’t find anyone willing to wash them for a reasonable rate. As a result, he’d been forced to pay top dollar for their thorough cleanings the day of the full moon. Even Elron had no desire to speak with them covered in so much filth.
As midnight struck, Leo came to life with a smirk on his face. “Tired of us yet?”
“Yes,” the High Wizard begrudgingly admitted. “You’re getting your cleaning services back.”
“And our Medicare?” he asked, stretching his wings.
Elron sighed. “Not that, but I’ve got a witch doctor on retainer who will handle any repairs you need from this point onward. He can begin tonight.”
He gestured toward a man standing awkwardly behind the gargoyles. The High Wizard wasn’t about to give all the supernatural creatures who served the government their healthcare back, but this witch doctor owed significant back taxes. Elron wiped those in exchange for five years of servicing the gargoyles’ needs. It was far more cost effective.
Leo dipped his chin. “Very well, after he finishes his repairs, we’ll be on our way back to our homes.”
“How do you travel anyway?” Elron asked, the question had been bothering him for the last two months.
“Those who live nearby fly, the rest of us teleport.”
He frowned. “You can do that?”
“Of course, it allows us to sneak upon our enemies.”
“Right,” Elron said, and with that, he went inside and shut the door. He was never going to look at statues the same way again after this misadventure.