November update

This is one of those posts I put off writing because I know it’s going to upset people.  Those of you who have followed me for a while know I don’t get into my personal life much on my blog because I generally feel that should be kept separate from my professional one.  Every once in a while, though, it affects my writing. I feel it’s only fair you all get some explanation as to the reason why you might have to wait longer on a book.  Now is one of those times.

My husband and I have been married for over eight years.  We have yet to conceive despite doing nothing to prevent it.  I wasn’t terribly worried about it in the early years of our marriage because it gave us time with each other to build our lives.  Once I started writing, I wanted to focus on that for a while and get a few books out before adding a baby to my daily routine.  Still, I didn’t do anything to keep from getting pregnant either.  This past summer I turned thirty-five.  My husband and I both agreed we couldn’t ignore the issue any longer and that we were more than ready for children.  Clearly, we needed to take further steps to make that happen.

A couple of months ago we went to see a specialist.  Neither of us have anything in our history that stands out as an obvious cause for infertility.  Other than my chronic migraines and my husband having COPD (which he has under control through meds) we don’t have any major health problems.  I’m not going to get into the fine details since not everyone wants to read that, but suffice it to say we are healthy enough that conception shouldn’t be a problem.  Since that first doctor visit we have been undergoing a number of tests which have all come back normal.  I am told that fifteen percent of cases have no identifiable reason for why there is a problem.  We appear to be falling under that category.

We have reached the point now where they are referring me to another specialist to start treatments that should “help” things along.  I am both excited and nervous about this.  The success rate isn’t very high, but when it does happen it could result in multiple births.  It’s a risky move.  Yet I’m running out of time and don’t have a lot of other options.  If this is the only choice I have, then that’s what I’m going to do.

Through all of this, there’s been a part of me that feels like a failure.  It should be such a simple thing to get pregnant.  Millions of women do it every year with no problem at all, but I’ve never managed to do it once.  A lot of stupid things go through your mind when you face this sort of dilemma.  Am I just not good enough to be a parent?  Did I do something in my past and now karma is coming back to bite me? Is it simply my fate to never experience giving birth to my own child?  Yes, there are other options if things don’t work out, but I really want a chance for my husband and I to have a child together.

For the past couple of months these thoughts have been going through my mind.  With every visit to various doctors I’ve grown more frustrated.  None of them are very reassuring and their answers to my questions are often vague or unhelpful.  It’s been rather depressing and has affected other parts of my life.  While I’ve managed to finish writing most of Darkness Wanes, it’s not finished.  I hate to even admit that out loud.  The final chapters are completely plotted out in detail (that was easy because I’ve known how I wanted to the series to end for a long time), but getting those last chapters written has been difficult.  I’m pecking away at it now and finding my “zone” again.  It’s just been a matter of finding a way to push my personal problems aside.  Once they’re done, I’ll go through revisions next and get chapters out to beta readers.  For those of you who have beta read before, expect an email from me soon asking if you’re up for it again.

I can’t give a definite date for when Darkness Wanes will be published.  There are no more doctor’s appointments for the next few weeks as I wait for a referral to go through so at least I won’t have that to distract me.  I’m going to use this time to buckle down and get the novel done.  My hope is to get it finished by early December, but we’ll have to see how it goes. I don’t want to make any more promises I may not be able to keep.

I know this is going to upset some people.  You’ve been waiting for this book for a long time now and I hate that I let my personal problems get in the way.  I have some of the most awesome readers an author can ask for and you all deserve better than that.  Please just be patient with me as I work to get it done.  That’s all I can ask.

If it helps, here’s the cover for Darkness Wanes.  Usually I do a big reveal post, but I’m just going to let you all see it now.

Darkness Wanes medium cover


40 thoughts on “November update

  1. Sue Padgett

    I’m sorry that you and your husband are going through such an emotional and challenging time in your lives. You will write when you can and when it feels right. No worries from this reader! It sounds like you’re in good hands medically and that you’re doing everything you can to get pregnant. Hang in there!

    1. Susan Illene Post author

      Thanks, Sue. I’m hoping things go well with the specialist they’re referring me to next. If it does and good news comes, I will do an update 🙂

  2. dayla

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Please don’t feel bad, sometimes you HAVE to put yourself first! Just get you okay, the rest can wait! I do think writing is a nice distraction when we need a break, but your peace of mind is the only thing people should worry about. Good luck with everything! I hope the doctor stuff works out.

  3. Cate

    It’s very understandable that you have been distracted. I look forward to reading it when you release it, whenever that may be! You have to look after yourself first and foremost! Good luck, I have everything crossed that it all goes well for you and your husband! Xx

    1. Susan Illene Post author

      I appreciate it, Cate. I’ve just gotten word from my editor that she can work with me despite the delay so at least I don’t have to worry about that. Hoping the rest works itself out.

  4. Jana Gundy

    Susan , never apologize for things that take you away from writing. This is an important part of your life and should come first. The readers who truly care and are invested, will understand and be more concerned with your well being.

  5. Shana Pare

    Susan, you have my very best wishes and prayers that you will soon have your very own baby Sensor to bounce upon your knee. In the meantime, you will write when and if you can. I certainly can wait and so can everybody else, whether they think so or not. 😉

    Good luck!

    Shana Pare

  6. Lalo

    Susan, you know I enjoy your sensor series. I have two children. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have any. I know every day that I beat the odds. I also know, many people don’t. I will be praying for you. Take care of yourself, write when you can. And I wish you the utmost blessings and luck with a family.

  7. Mary Kay Bunker

    Well best wishes and keep your chin up, these things happen and it looks as if you have your priorities straight. I am a huge fan greatly anticipating the book–however, I picked up so many freebies from the Thirteen Days of Halloween, I’ll be occupied for quite some time! Good luck to you and your husband, I wish you all the best.

    1. Susan Illene Post author

      Glad you got plenty to read from the Halloween event, Mary. It was a highlight for me to interact with so many readers during an otherwise difficult time. The turn out was amazing. Thanks for all your well wishes!

  8. Abra

    I don’t think you’ll get that much pushback. So many people have been in your shoes – I for one, or know someone who’s been there that empathy is what you’ll get. Even if a reader doesn’t want children themselves, they’ll know someone who desperately does. It’s a universal experience, isn’t it? I’m happy to wait and look forward to Darkness Wanes when you do release it. For what it’s worth, I have two daughters now and the difficulties of getting pregnant are ancient history.

    1. Susan Illene Post author

      Sorry to hear you had your own difficulties, Abra, but glad it worked out for you in the end. Every time I hear another story of someone overcoming a similar obstacle it gives me hope. Thanks for your support 🙂

  9. Jamie Wilson

    First and foremost…NO FAILURE HERE! So what you didn’t get in a hurry to have children! You always wanted them someday…
    Did you do something in the past….PHSSH! NO! It is just harder for some to get pregnant…no one knows why except God! You and Hubby WILL get there! My son and Daughter in law have lost three babies….we now have a wonderful little boy that has been nicknamed Grumpus!!! God we love that Kid!! Will there be anymore? Who knows! Will you have good luck with this treatment ABSOLUTELY!! Quit kicking yourself when you are down!!!

  10. Gabriela Jakubowska

    Jana Gundy is right – never apologize. Especially if the reason that keeps you from finishing the book is so important. I am also 35, but I remember how much I wanted to have my own child. Yes, I love your books and just can’t wait for another Sensor novel, but I will gladly wait for it as long as it takes. I hope that soon you will share with us some really good news. Pink or blue news, of course 😉

  11. Sherrie

    Susan, I will wait for however long it takes so do not stress. I enjoy your books so much and you are always one of my top authors that I follow to make sure I miss nuthin! 🙂 I wish for you that you will achieve what you want on the children front. As an old broad who has miscarried and gave birth to two sons, I feel for you. XOXO

  12. Sandra

    Bless your heart. You just focus on your personal life. We will be here waiting for your next book to release. It is worth the wait and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing this with us!

  13. Larry Omans

    Family first, this loyal reader will patiently wait for the next book. You have shown your dedication to us and your craft, the least we can do is support you with our hopes and prayers (to the good deities :-)) for many happy health little ones.

  14. Jen

    as others have said here, we will wait till you can share your stories… you are WAY more important than a story and from what i feel and can see by others, we pray,hope, and have our fingers crossed that you are well, healthy.

    you and your hunnie are in my thoughts an prayers


  15. Heather Winslow


    I am so sorry to hear about your struggles to start a family. I had my first child at 35 and then decided at 39 to try for another. We had difficulty that led into testing, medication, etc… 2nd child was born when I was 41 and a close friend of mine just had her only child at 43 after 3 in-vitro attempts.

    Don’t lose hope. We are so very lucky to live in this time of medical innovation and technology. Know that I am wishing all of the best to you and your husband and hope you have a little bundle of joy soon.

    Heather W.

    P.S. the upside to the issues with fertility and my last pregnancy required that I be monitored closely for the first 12 weeks. I have weekly ultrasound pictures of my little girl from that time period and got to experience the miracle of watching her move and hearing her heartbeat far more often than a traditional conception allows. So… have an extra “something” to look forward to!

  16. Rick Donnelly

    Susan… I’m a new senior-citizen male reader…typical reader, probably not 🙂 Just finished Stalked by Flames. Great book. I went to your web page to see when Dancing with Flames would come out and then read your blog and the difficult life situation you face.
    What I can say is …. who you are and what you value comes through loud and clear in what I’ve read so far. You are clearly a strong woman who empowers her female lead to be equally strong, to be a leader. This tells me you are someone who can weather the issues that confront you right now. You should NEVER feel like you are less of a person, less of a woman because you have such issues. Regardless of what happens, you will come out the other side confident that faced with high uncertainty, you have made the right choices for Susan and husband and done all that you can. Not everyone has the courage to do this and marks you as an extraordinary person Good luck.

  17. Ursiform

    Susan–Just saw your post. You are awesome. Best wishes and hope it works out for you. You are certainly worthy!

  18. Kate Deck

    Dear Susan,
    I just wanted tell you, Sweetheart, I’m so love your books, and especially your new series, on the Dragon series called /Stalled by Flames, oh my gosh, I’m just so excited, and I am just dying for the next issue!

    And also, I want to share with you, about how my precious younger daughter, being a new bride of 18teen, and with the new couple wanting to explore married life, before starting their own family.

    They decided to do birth-control and she did this new birth control shot, for over 4 years and then after tiring of exploring married life, they decided to go off birth-control and have their own child. Which mom was so ready to have one of their grandbabies.

    Well, to my surprise and my daughters, she had so many problems, trying to conceive. And that was because of after some research online, about that birth control shot and to our horror, it was from the side effects of that birth control shot.

    My baby girl, truly suffered and they even decided to do envitro and so many other different avenues.Just trying to become pregnant and with me, her mom, myself coming from a huge family of nine siblings, seven girls and two boys.

    And me being her mother, and having had five children, three boys and two girls, I truly hurt from my baby girl. Needless, to say,we all were in prayer for my precious daughter and her husband to be blessed with the baby for years.

    Then my daughter, told me some very heartbreaking news, for her and I both, and this was going on the 11th year of her trying to have a baby. And it was during the Christmas holidays, that she was giving up.

    She said ,she just couldn’t do it anymore, and she was just going to devote her time and love towards being a great loving aunt and she was letting the Lord lead in their lives, if it was meant for them to be parents, then the Lord would help .

    Feeling as if somehow, I have failed my daughter, by allowing her to take those horrible birth control shots, in the 1st place, I just stayed in a prayerful state for my baby girl.

    My family and I have a tradition, where we always do a Christmas wish every year ! We do our Christmas wishes during Thanksgiving holiday and write them down and reveal them Christmas Eve of the same year.

    And, for my Christmas wish, of course, this was on the same year that my daughter, had told me of their decision, that they were both giving up on having their own child. So, for my Christmas wish?

    I put prayer out all over the World Wide Web, I went all around the world online, putting prayer at different prayer sites, that you can pray at and I even went to the Catholic churches and had prayer for 30 days, straight for 24-hours, a day around the clock for my baby..!

    So, to make a long story short, on the eve of Mother’s Day in May, of the 12th year of my daughter wanting a child of her own..! My baby girl called me, and told me, the most wonderful, and precious news.

    That she was pregnant, and she would be having a us, a little baby boy, our new blessing from Yahweh, in January of the 13th new year.! I was so excited, I almost fainted.

    And I can’t tell Susan, how happy and proud, I was for my daughter and her husband were going to be holding their own little baby boy soon, and by the way my birthday is in January,and so I was hoping for our lil baby boy, Jase, to be born of course on my birthday.

    Well, Jase was not born on my birthday.! But, that’s okay.! Because, the Lord has even blessed them again, 4 years later, with a little baby girl and she has just now turned 2 years old, she was born in October of 2013, and she was my 18th grandbaby.

    I’m praising the Lord for all of my little bundles of blessings, and she is even my only namesake, and I call her KK, for Kandence. So, Susan please forgive this long letter. But, I needed you to know, that you will have your time darling.

    Just let go, and let God..! As my daughter did and please let us, your fans, know when you have your little bundle of joy. Do what you have to do for your family, Sweetie and finish your books,when you can.

    Because, I promise to be a fan for life and I will be here waiting, for your sweet and precious message and letting us your fans now what is going on with you and your precious family.

    Susan, God bless you darling and Happy Holidays, a New Blessed, New Year. Your fateful fan and a blessed mother, grandmother and now a great-grandmother of 2, and 2, more babies due in the new year.KD


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